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Bookshop
Skit, written by John Cleese and Graham Chapman was first
broadcast on March 1st 1967 in the ITV series 'At Last the
I948 Show'. Original cast: Assistant John Cleese; Customer
Marty Feldman.
The
script was published in 'The Golden Skits of Wing-Commander
Murial Volestrangler FRHS and Bar', Methuen 1984. You may
be lucky enough to find a copy of this rare and valuable
title and indeed other Python material in Inprint's
entertainment
catalogue. There's lots of Python stuff on the
net but probably the best place to start is
MontyPython.net.
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A quite
spacious bookshop. A customer enters and approaches the counter,
behind which stands an assistant.
| Assistant |
Good
morning, sir. |
| Customer |
Good
morning. Can you help me? Do you have a copy of
'Thirty Days In the Samarkand Desert
with a Spoon' by A.E.J. Elliott? |
| Assistant |
Urn
... well, we haven't got it in stock, sir. |
| Customer |
Never
mind. How about 'A Hundred and One Ways to Start a Monsoon'?
|
| Assistant |
...
By ... ? |
| Customer |
An
Indian gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment. |
| Assistant
|
I'm
sorry, I don't know the book, sir. |
| Customer |
Not
to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with 'David Copperfield'? |
| Assistant |
Ah,
yes. Dickens ... |
| Customer |
No. |
| Assistant |
...
I beg your pardon? |
| Customer |
No,
Edmund Wells. |
| Assistant |
... I think you'll find Charles Dickens wrote 'David Copperfield',
sir. |
| Customer |
No,
Charles Dickens wrote 'David Copperfield' with two 'p's.
This is 'David Coperfield' with one 'p' by Edmund Wells. |
| Assistant |
(a
little sharply) Well in that case we don't have it. |
| Customer |
Funny,
you've got a lot of books here. |
| Assistant |
We
do have quite a lot of books here, yes, but we don't have
David Coperfield' with one 'p' by Edmund Wells. We
only have 'David Copperfield' with two 'p's by Charles Dickens. |
| Customer |
Pity
- it's more thorough than the Dickens. |
| Assistant
|
More
thorough? |
| Customer |
Yes
... I wonder if it's worth having a look through all your
'David Copperfields'... |
| Assistant |
I'm
quite sure all our 'David Copperfields' have two 'p's. |
| Customer |
Probably,
but the first edition by Edmund Wells also had two 'p's. It
was after that they ran into copyright difficulties. |
| Assistant |
No,
I can assure you that all our 'David Copperfields' with two
'p's are by Charles Dickens. |
| Customer
|
How
about 'Grate Expectations? |
| Assistant |
Ah
yes, we have that ... |
| He
goes to fetch it and returns to the counter. |
| Customer
|
... That's 'G-r-a-t-e Expectations', also by Edmund Wells.
|
| Assistant |
I
see. In that case, we don't have it. We don't have anything
by Edmund Wells, actually - he's not very popular. |
| Customer
|
Not
'Knickerless Nickleby'? That's K-n-i-c-k-e-r |
| Assistant |
No! |
| Customer |
Or
'Quristmas Quarol 'with a Q? |
| Assistant |
No,
definitely ... not. |
| Customer |
Sorry
to trouble you. |
| Assistant
|
Not
at all. |
| Custormer
|
I
wonder if you have a copy of 'Rarnaby Budge'? |
| Assistant |
(rather
loudly) No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells. |
| Customer |
No,
not Edmund Wells - Charles Dikkens. |
| Assistant |
Charles
Dickens? |
| Customer |
Yes. |
| Assistant |
You
mean 'Barnaby Rudge'. |
| Customer |
No,
'Rarnaby Budge' by Charles Dikkens ... that's Dikkens with
two 'k's, the well-known Dutch author. |
| Assistant
|
No,
no - we don't have 'Rarnaby Budge' by Charles Dikkens with
two 'k's the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save
time I should add right away that we don't have 'Carnaby Fudge'
by Daries Tikkens, nor 'Stickwick Stapers' by Miles Pikkens
with four Ms and a silent Q, why don't you try the chemist? |
| Customer |
I did. They sent me here. |
| Assistant |
(making
a mental note) ... Did they? |
| Customer |
I
wonder if you have . . . 'The Amazing Adventures of Captain
Gladys Stoat-Pamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stig among
the Giant Pygmies of Corsica', Volume Two. |
| Assistant |
No, we don't have that one. Well, I mustn't keep you standing
around all day .. |
| Customer |
I
wonder if ... |
| Assistant |
No,
no, we haven't got it. I'm closing for lunch now anyway. |
| The
assistant moves rapidly away from the counter. |
| Customer |
...
But I thought I saw it over there. |
| The
assistant checks and turns slowly. |
| Assistant |
...
What? |
| Customer
|
Over
there. |
| He
indicates a bookshelf |
| Customer |
'Olsen's
Standard Book of British Birds'. |
| Assistant |
(very
suspiciously) 'Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds'? |
| Customer |
Yes. |
| Assistant |
...
0-l-s-e-n? |
| Customer
|
Yes! |
| Assistant |
B-i-r-d-s? |
| Customer
|
Yes! |
| Assistant
|
Well,
we do have that one, yes. |
| He
goes and takes the book off a shelf |
| Customer |
...The
expurgated version, of course. |
| Assistant
|
...I'm
sorry, I didn't quite catch that. |
| Customer |
The
expurgated version. |
| Assistant |
The
expurgated version of 'Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds'? |
| Customer |
Yes.
The one without the gannet. |
| Assistant |
The
one without the gannet?! They've all got the gannet it's a
standard bird, the gannet, it's in all the books. |
| Customer
|
Well
I don't like them. They've got long nasty beaks! And they
wet their nests. |
| Assistant |
But
... but you can't expect them to produce a special edition
for gannet-haters! |
| Customer |
I'm
sorry, I specially want the one without the gannet. |
| The
assistant is speechless. |
| Assistant |
All
right! |
| He
suddenly tears out the relevant page. |
| Assistant
|
Anything
else? |
| Customer |
Well,
I'm not too keen on robins. |
| Assistant |
Right!
Robins, robins ... |
| He
tears that one out too and slams the book on the counter.
|
| Assistant
|
No
gannets, no robins - there's your book! |
| Customer |
I can't buy that. It's torn. |
| Assistant |
.
. ..So it is! He tosses it into the bin. |
| Customer |
I
wonder if you've got ... |
| Assistant
|
Go
on! Ask me another. |
| Customer |
How
about 'Biggles Combs his Hair'? |
| Assistant
|
No,
no, we haven't got that one, funny. Try me again. |
| Customer |
'The
Gospel According to Charlie Drake'? |
| Assistant
|
No
... |
| Customer |
Have
you got 'Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity-Surveying'? |
| Assistant
|
No, no, we haven't ... which one? |
| Customer |
'Ethel
the Aardvark Goes Quantity-Surveying'. |
| Assistant |
'Ethel
the Aardvark'?! I've seen it! We've got it!! |
| He
dashes to a bookshelf, finds it, and holds it up triumphantly. |
| Assistant
|
Here!
Here!!! 'Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying'. Now
- buy it! |
| He
slams it on the desk. The customer stares in horror! |
| Customer
|
...
I haven't got enough money on me. |
| Assistant |
(quickly)
I'll take a deposit! |
| Customer |
I
haven't got any money on me. |
| Assistant |
I'll take a cheque! |
| Customer |
I
haven't got a cheque book! |
| Assistant |
It's all right, I've got a blank one! |
| Customer |
I
don't have a bank account!! |
| Assistant
|
...
All right!! I'll buy it for You! |
| He
rings the purchase up and pays for it himself. He gives the
change to the customer. |
| Assistant |
There
we are, there's your change - that's for the taxi home ...
|
| Customer |
Wait!
Wait! Wait! |
| Assistant |
What?
What? What?!!! |
| Customer |
...
I can't read ... |
| Assistant |
Right!
Sit!! ... |
| He
sits the customer down on his knees and starts to read aloud. |
| Assistant
|
'Ethel
the Aardvark was trotting down the lane one lovely sununer
day, trottety-trottety-trot, when she saw a nice Quantity-Surveyor
. . |
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